Guest writer Iain Anderson, of Why Say Anything fame, gives his take on the weekend’s Premier League action.
The derby was boring. Tactics Tim got the boot. Jurgen Klopp continues Liverpool’s dramatic rise from losers to drawers, (is that a word?). Steve McClaren was the only person in the known universe to think that it wasn’t a penalty. Jose’s erratic behaviour is far more likely to get him cannoned than results. Big Sam thought everything was funny again. Louis van Gaal decided he couldn’t explain why he keeps picking Rooney so he now refuses to talk about him. Quique Flores got one over on Hughesy. Down in Bournemouth Eddie can’t stop wondering Howe (sorry, couldn’t resist), his team has conceded five goals again. Tony Pulis keeps doing what Tony Pulis keeps doing. The Tinkerman hasn’t needed to tinker for a while. Garry Monk got it right, but it was only Villa. Slaven Bilic salutes his hero by pushing him nearer to the abyss. Arsene was a lucky man to get three points and finally, Manuel was his usual gentlemanly self. So that’s the weekend in a nutshell!
The previous paragraph is best when read out loud, at high speed, preferably whilst eating breakfast cereal or soup.
The problem I have now is that I need to write about 600 words in total to fulfill my non-contractual, verbal, not worth the paper it isn’t written on, contract with This is Futbol.
So let’s start with the derby. I can understand why van Gaal doesn’t want to talk about Rooney because neither do I, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. I do, however, want to talk about why van Gaal keeps selecting him. He is by far the worst player at the club on present form and has been for quite a while. Depay was dropped after a couple of bad games. Blind was dropped after he played for Holland, so Rooney can be thankful that he isn’t Dutch. Januzaj was sent on loan after scoring away at Villa. Falcao and van Persie were told to do one. Herrera isn’t guaranteed a place even though he has been the best player on a few occasions. What does Rooney have over van Gaal? Has he surreptitiously donated an organ to King Louis? Is he now drinking his favourite wine in Wings restaurant thanks to Wazza? We’ll probably never get to the bottom of it but, at some stage, somebody’s version of the truth will come out.
“Absolutely” Dwight wants the Villa gig. When he is asked at the interview about experience he will answer in his usual way, by not answering and hoping they don’t notice. Apparently Remi Garde is favourite for the job. A Frenchman who has never managed in England before so, two to three months to settle in, and it will be welcome to the Championship for Aston Villa.
Garry Monk’s remarkably smug attitude to results and performances over the last few weeks hid something none of us knew. He is actually a remarkably smug person. After the win at Villa he had the “I told you there was no problem and I would sort it out, oh ye of little faith,” look about him, as he floated out to the waiting coach.
Slaven Bilic was at pains to point out what a good manager Jose Mourinho was prior to their meeting at Upton Park. It must be so edifying when you have won so much, to be told how brilliant you are by someone who has won nothing, after all they know all about it, right? Bilic will surely go on to greater things with West Ham as he is a very good manager.
Then there was Manuel Pellegrini, whose reply to Louis van Gaal when accused of being overly defensive in his approach to the derby was, absolutely nothing, he didn’t say a word. Now that’s class!
That’s it folks, objective achieved, 639 words. Don’t believe me? Count them!