5. Wayne Rooney begins the season sporting a dashing Chris Waddle-esque mullet to show off his magnificent new locks of hair after his transplant. Or worse still, he adopts a Fellaini-like mega-afro!
6. Aston Villa do NOT sack Alex McLeish before the end of the season.
7. Manchester City’s Dubai owners are hit hard by the recession and Manchester City cannot pay their player’s wages. A player’s walk out, instigated by Mario Balotelli and Emmanuel Adebayor follows. As City’s mercenaries continually refuse to play they are docked points by the F.A. and are subsequently relegated.
8. Meanwhile at Eastlands, after serving his ban for ingesting his wife’s slimming pills, Kolo Toure returns to the City team but refuses to play when they are wearing their plain blue home shirt for fear it makes him look fat, instead he only plays when they wear a striped away kit so that the appearance of his ‘man-boobs’ and podgy tummy is less predominant.
9. After a summer holiday to Spain, Tony Pulis has a life changing eureka moment. Subsequently over the course of the season Stoke City take the Premier League by storm as they adopt Barcelona’s ‘Tiki Taka’ possession, short passing style of play. The change of tactics however isn’t met with universal praise as Rory Delap who finds himself in the reserves hits out calling it ‘anti-football’ and promptly retires, we next seem him at the London Olympics for Ireland displaying a revolutionary new way of throwing a shot putt.
10. Kenny Dalglish’s and Damien Comolli’s policy of signing the ‘best’ young English talent for extortionate prices for Liverpool pays off incredibly as a team compromising of Andy Carroll, Jordan Henderson, Scott Sinclair, Connor Wickham, James Tomkins and Frank Fielding, at a combined cost of £160m push Stoke and Everton all the way and win the title
So there you have it, a few examples of the things I think are most unlikely to happen. A pointless exercise really as I sit in anxious wait, avoiding ‘family time’, counting down the 52 days until the season kicks off again and life can resume its normal pattern once more.
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