Man United’s Secret Weapon This Evening?

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Guest writer Iain Anderson, of Why Say Anything fame, gives his take on Louis van Gaal’s latest revelation. 

Things have been pretty quiet around Manchester United for the last few days unless you count rumours about Neymar going to Old Trafford as noise. This is highly unlikely though, as his girlfriend has just moved herself and Neymar junior junior to Barcelona and will shortly be applying for a visa to stay there (if it all works out).

So yet again, elsewhere was the place to look for good old gossip about the Red Devils. Only this isn’t gossip, this is fact and we have to thank Mr. van Gaal for filling this space. Good old Louis. You can always rely on him for a good laugh and this time he’s managed to keep his trousers on!

Having scoured the world for what seems like an eternity, in an attempt to find a striker who will understand Wayne Rooney’s shouts, Manchester United have finally found one and, here’s the rub, he was already hiding in plain sight at the training ground.

Obviously Harry Kane, being a cocker-nee wouldn’t stand a chance. Thomas Muller would probably only talk with Bastian Schweinsteiger so that wouldn’t work. Pedro was so scared of the prospect that he scuttled off down to the Smoke instead. Spending €240 million on Neymar only to find out he wasn’t au fait with the latest scouse utterings would be seen as extravagant. So, after a while, the penny has finally dropped.

Which nationality already has three official languages? Which nation can probably boast the most multi-linguistic people per capita? Why, little old Belgium, that’s who!

Cue Marouane Fellaini, he of the big hair, big frame and recently, pretty big performances. He was even introduced at the pre-Bruges press conference almost as a brand new signing. He, of all people, with his talent will be able to understand the fabled one, or Wazza as he is childishly known by the other children.

King Louis has decided that Marouane is the answer to the club’s paucity in front of goal. Not a bad shout when you consider that only he, Januzaj and Memphis have scored for United this season and Fellaini did it from the substitute’s bench. (Kyle Walker of Tottenham is joint second top scorer for United after four games).

Now, cynical folk may think that Louis has given up all hope of signing a world class goal getter before the curtains are drawn on the transfer window, but that is not the case. He has decided he doesn’t need one. Little Manchester United are going to save some money by using one they prepared earlier.

Not only are they going to save on a striker but also on a number six, a number eight and a number ten as Marouane is not too fussy about which of those digits adorn his broad shoulders. He will play anywhere the manager asks him to and he will play better than anyone else in that position or die trying.

So look out Bruges or Brugge, you have been warned. You may be a town steeped in history, a picturesque postcard type of place, even if Colin Farrell thought you were boring. Marouane, however, does not care a jot about your past and is out to get you. It will be all the sweeter as he sticks it to a team from his own country, then runs around the pitch with a rallying cry to his team mates to carry on and win the big cup, which they surely will with their new striker.

Like this article? Check out Iain’s personal blog.

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