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Vacant Post: Chelsea FC Managers’ Role

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What Chelsea FC are looking for:

We’re looking for an incredibly talented manager, who has won numerous trophies with several clubs around Europe. This manager will be expected to work with the new transfer signings which the owner decides will be his new ‘toys’, whilst the club has no manager in the role.

This owner, will then grow tiresome of you, as soon as you drop the over-rated player that he purchased without your say so. He will then leave half way through the first game of the season when you concede and early goal, but then go on to win 4-1.

The leading players at the club will then start to show their discontent at your managerial style, because they dislike it, or because its not the ‘Mourinho way’.

These players will then start to use their significant amounts of influence at the club to galvanize discontent from the fans for the manager, and to plead with board members to bring yet another top European manager in.

You will be expected to perform to the highest standards at Chelsea FC, which we don’t think is too much to ask with the funds you will be granted. After all, the only thing you’ll have to deal with is; the discontent among the fans, the uprising of the leaders in your squad. The owner publicly announcing his disapproval, and when you win yet another trophy for Chelsea, perhaps a FA Cup and Premier League double, or maybe even the FA Cup and Champions League, you’ll be sacked by the axe-wielding Roman Abramovich. The Chief Executive Ron Gourlay will then back the decision, and the players’ actions, and then say that Chelsea deserved better.

If you’re a manager who has worked hard at building a reputation as one of the best managers in Europe, and you wish for that to be destroyed by Roman Abramovich in the space of four months, when they decide that you’re suddenly ‘not the man for the job’, then this could be the perfect role for you.

If you enjoy being taunted by both sets of fans, when you’ve been brought in to do a job for the club by the owner, and told that you cannot respond to this criticism, then you should apply for this role.

If you want to be rewarded with a years contract and called ‘Interim Manager’, and have no say on anything that goes on at the club, not even any idea if your club legend goal scoring midfielder will be offered a new contract. Then please apply. Do you wish to turn up to media conferences and be barraged by the press, about questions regarding contractual situations and transfer dealings, which you have no idea of whats happening?

Are you one of Europe’s up and coming managers, who’s just won the treble in his native country? Would you like to be rewarded with a managers role at the club and a five year contract to follow suit? Only to be sacked nine months into that contract having only guided your team to third, in the most competitive league in the world.

As well as taking them to the champions league knock out stage, only for your assistant manager to come and take over, win the double, and then get sacked the following season for a ‘poor run of results’? Then Chelsea FC would love to have you.

To summarise, if you’re a fantastic manager, with a great reputation and CV, not to mention a great track record with your fans and the owner, and wish for your reputation to be destroyed in a very short space of time by the owner, then look no further than Chelsea Football club.

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2 comments
  • payne says:

    who ever wrote this is a fool.big fool

  • Simon Sorokos says:

    Mr Robey,
    Whilst your pursuit of journalism is very scholarly, I’m afraid to say that foolish articles such as this one make you seem no less an idiot than Shaughnessy.

    Abramovich has had countless patience with mediocre managers, Di Matteo achieved nothing (apart from winning two of the three major honours in the space of half a season) and Benitez has already been practically handed a 12 year contract by the club.

    Your other articles have been tolerable at best, I wasn’t aware Arsene had risen to the managerial role at Arsenal, seems only yesterday he was asking pointless questions in my lesson.

    Regards,
    Simon

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