Thanks to an anomaly in the space time continuum, This is Futbol is able to bring you this brief insight into the recent apology about to be issued by Carlos Tevez, golfing hero and master of miscommunication. (See also Carlos Tevez – My Everlasting Love for Manchester United, CarlosTevez, Alex Ferguson, The Loch Ness Monster and Me – a Match made in Barclay’s Bank and Carlos Tevez, Love on the Argentinian Golf Course – the Nineteenth Tee.)
Roberto Mancini: Welcome back to Manchester, Carlos. Would you like a delicious cup of English tea? Brewed in the wonderfully soft water of what is commonly known as God’s Own Country. It will only take three or four minutes to brew. Or maybe an espresso, if you are not thinking of staying for long?
Carlos Tevez: Roberto, I have been away long time. I have come about the apology.
Mancini: Apology? Wonderful. I guessed you would realise that it made good sense to apologise as soon as we stopped your £9million pounds in wages and bonus payments. It’s so good to see you.
Carlos Tevez: Yes: the apology. It’s about time you apologised for treating me like a dog. Maybe then I could get on with winning the Premier League, and you could finish your argument with Edin Dzeko.
Mancini: Dzeko? It was over between him and me ages ago. These days he only gets the occasional game as a late substitute. I am turning to catenaccio: we are playing on the break and using Joleon Lescott as a lone striker. That is why I was surprised to see you back. Didn’t you know about the change in tactics?
Carlos Tevez: But you need me. Look – I can warm up – I’ll show you… (Carlos begins to remove his golfing shoes, placing his niblick on the pale beige carpet of Roberto’s living room.)
Mancini: No Carlos. It’s all over between us now. I’ve researched a whole new set of tactical formations. David Platt’s jettisoned all the old sticky labels with players’ names on them, and bought a new set in a striking, dusky navy blue – to match City’s beautiful away kit. He didn’t order one for you….
Carlos Tevez: But Roberto… that night in Munich… I was on the bench… I was in a bad mood… I’m…
The hiss of static drowns out Tevez’ last words. Faintly, in the background, Mancini can be seen tuning to Coronation Street ….. “These English,” he thinks, “How odd!”
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