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THREE routes Man United can take in order to become English football’s most talked about club once more:

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Poor old Manchester United. In a season where headlines have been grabbed predominantly by the actions of Italian tearaway, Mario Balotelli, John Terry’s not-so-subtle live match thoughts and a public ‘Us Against the World’ campaign whipped up by Liverpool following Luis Suarez’s ‘cultural ignorance’ episode, the Red Devils have had to make do with featuring alongside less successful sides such as Wigan and Arsenal, away from the back pages.

It’s all a far cry from the United-mad days of the 1990s. The decade witnessed the birth of Fergie’s ‘kids’ who soon began to develop rapidly and win every prize going in England. Alex was a proud father and like any model parent, would sometimes give the boys a rough going-over with his hairdryer were any of the siblings to emerge from the bathroom with a wet head – a common story that would be regaled from within the family such was the forgetfulness of some of the youngsters when it came to looking presentable in public.

As the millennium loomed, Manchester United’s star pupil, David Beckham, was starting to go against his father’s wishes and began to court a girlfriend which was increasingly getting in the way of his studies in football to the disgust of Ferguson. Arguments between the pair became more frequent and tensions reached a boiling point when Alex responded to David’s request to clean his boots by throwing them at the astonished teenager which led to cuts above his right eye and a severely bruised ego.

Perhaps, Fergie was racked with guilt at the way he had behaved that day or simply had enough of Beckham’s antics, but this was followed up by an arranged apprenticeship in Madrid for the high-achiever and Alex never spoke of the incident again.

The Manchester United family cast its net wider during the Noughties and fostered many European imports with protégés like Cristiano Ronaldo and Nani benefitting from Ferguson’s paternal expertise and emboldening the public goodwill towards their cause. Last season, Wayne Rooney’s prodigal son routine and a 19th team of the year award ensured widespread praise was forthcoming for the longevity of Sir Alex’s reign, with talk of potential heirs to the throne still, seemingly, light years away.

However, 2011/12’s major football incidents have shunned the righteous gushing of Manchester United’s achievements from the forefront of the public’s mind. “How dare the public not be incessantly inundated with all things Manchester, and I don’t mean the blue side either!”, Ferguson recently bemoaned in an increasingly-familiar tone that has been used in their press conferences this year.

In a bid to restore order in the football community and have Manchester United extensively covered once more in the media again, club officials have devised a plan for the weekend’s high-profile FA Cup clash at Anfield. Here, we exclusively reveal three possible routes they could take to become the most-talked about English sports team anew and create a buzz that will last until the end of the season:

1)      Ferguson, in his pre-match interview, and the squad, in their warm-up, to wear T-shirts with Patrice Evra’s face emblazoned upon them in a controversial anti-racism supporting stance. The looks on the Liverpool team’s faces would be worth the effort alone.

2)      Send out a press release confirming that Mike Phelan took part in a sordid orgy that threatens the security of his marriage. The fuss over Ryan Giggs’ misdemeanours appears to have fizzled out, and with this revelation, the raunchy spark behind closed doors at Old Trafford would be forever on commentators’ lips with this story. This would also explain the reason behind Whelan’s staunch decision to wear ludicrously high shorts on the United bench.

3)      Send Ferguson on as a 90th-minute sub. This one speaks for itself. An amazing story and perfect way to cap off a fantasic 20 years at the club.

But don’t take my word for it, tune in for the match tomorrow to see all the entertainment on offer. It’s likely to be a cracker!

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  • red2death says:

    You’re right. Getting the ref to send Utd’s opposition off for no reason doesn’t even raise an eyebrow anymore. Nani collapsing to the floor again in what would seem to be a career-ending tackle wouldn’t even be worth a mention by the media. Evra deciding to whip up a story about a racist Suarez? Now that got the rags talking. Maybe that’s what Utd need to do in future. They need to raise their game if they’re to enjoy the same level of success on and off the field.

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