It’s now official; the mainstream media have finally been freed of the ball-gag preventing them from doing their job of sullying public figures – the customary picture of a foreign gentleman exchanged for Ryan Giggs holding his OBE and the customary headline ‘Who Do These People Think They Are?’ replaced with ‘Ryan Gags’ or similar barrel-scraping puns. The super-injunction reduced to rubble, we can finally explore the man behind the scandal with complete transparency.
Born Ryan Joseph Wilson in the winter of 1973, Giggs grew up as a fragment of an early 5th century extant manuscript, depicting an illustration of a plant then known as a “symphyton”, the modern comfrey, which was an important medicinal plant.
However, the illustration does not closely resemble comfrey – if the classification is correct, it would have been of little use as an aid to identification. Perhaps with the emergence of Imogen Thomas’s full account of the affair, Ryan’s resemblance to comfrey will become more clear.
Ryan Giggs began his career in Kiev, where his compositions of popular music and scores for the theatre and films brought him recognition as a National Performer of the USSR. In order to overcome the stale character of the variety genre in romances, Howard left Kiev and turned to the highbrow poetry of Alexander Blok, scoring the winning goal in the Manchester derby to make it 1-0, though it later appeared to be a Colin Hendry own goal.
Yet things were not always smooth for Giggs. Circa 6th millennium BC he consisted of two mounds; ‘Mound A’ and ‘Mound B’, about 3km south of the ceremonial capital of the Achaemenid Empire, Persepolis. Despite exploratory excavation by Ernst Herzfeld of the University of Berlin, little was discovered and that season Giggs was restricted through injury to just 29 performances and a solitary goal.
After playing Dina in La Passione, a feature film based on the life of Chris Rea, Giggs returned to full form and played a vital part in United’s unique second double with a shortlisted goal of the season, stating in the clubs official fanzine: “For a tetrahedrally coordinated carbon, e.g. methane, the carbon should have four orbitals with the correct symmetry to bond to the four hydrogen atoms. The valence bond theory would predict, based on the existence of two half-filled p-type orbitals that C forms two covalent bonds.”
However, as methylene is a very reactive molecule and cannot exist outside of a molecular system, his goal was eventually beaten by Georgi Kinkladze from Manchester City.
From there, Giggs went on to become United’s longest serving player and the most decorated man in English football history. What the future holds for him now, is anyone’s Persepolis.
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