5 Impossible Things I Want To See At Arsenal This Year

Written by Nicholas Edwards

We can all dream right? Arsenal fans have been waiting five years now for a trophy but these are the things I’d really like to see.

Central Defensive Dream:

Arsene Wenger, in a bid to aid his weakest on field position, decides to invest some of the clubs profits into a cloning facility. Using residual DNA recovered from Highbury, a group of scientists construct athletically perfect clones of Tony Adams and Martin Keown in their prime. The two are used sporadically by Wenger at first but eventually make it to first team regulars by March. From then until the end of the year Arsenal hold the record for consecutive clean sheets; not letting in a single goal.

Wenger Begins To See Things:

After years of using the ‘I didn’t see the incident’ trick to defend his players, Wenger finally tells the truth in a post match interview. In a game against Stoke, Aaron Ramsey, amazingly, escapes punishment for a roundhouse kick on Ryan Shawcross. When questioned about the incident by journalists, Wenger replies: ‘Yes I saw it. It was funny; I never knew that Aaron could kick that hard. I guess what goes around comes around, bitches.”

Bendtner’s Barcelona Hat Trick:

Nicklas Bendtner unwittingly scores a hat trick against Barcelona at the Camp Nou in the Champions League second round. He doesn’t even kick the ball in the net; rather, Cesc Fabreagas perfectly places three unique balls into the penalty area that ricochet (as intended) off of Bendtner’s knee, head and arse respectively. After the match Bendtner claims to be the best player in the world and bemoans the lack of support he gets from the team.

Eboue – No. 1:

After Fabianski and Szczesny inexplicably end of the island from Lost after their plane back to Poland crash lands, Arsenal are left without a goalkeeper (Almunia will be gone in a week). Luckily cover is on hand for Wenger in the form of Emanuel Eboue who is so desperate to play that he’ll play in any position. With Adams and Keown in such fine form, Eboue isn’t required to make a single save for the entire season. Instead, he spends his time on the goal line smiling and dancing. His already popular position with the fans rockets to new heights as a consequence.

Big Spending Wenger:

Tired of the continued speculation linking Cesc Fabregas with a return to Barcelona, Wenger decides to turn the tables and make a big money offer for Lionel Messi. The bid is originally intended to simply make a point but when Arsenal’s offer of £100million accidently triggers a release clause in the World Player of the Year’s contract, Wenger reluctantly completes the signing. Messi arrives in the summer and scores 27 goals in his first game.

Could these things really happen? If they do I’ll run naked through the streets of London.